reading the signs

Oh Vancouver.
I almost missed my plane on purpose.
I almost took my pizza job back. I almost did it.
When we descended into Vancouver, and the clouds broke into the greyness of Richmond, I kind of wanted to press the rewind button.
But here I am, and it's pretty great. Nothing has changed too much. There is a new Starbucks on Main Street, and they're gonna build another one pretty close on Broadway. People have longer hair and it seems that acid is the new weed.
The mountains are lovely, and air is fresh.
I have about a million and a half questions for the cosmos, and I hope some answers turn up soon.
It's a challenge. A bigger one than you would think. The coming home.
I think this is home?
It probably doesn't matter. Where the heart is, right?
Thumping along behind my ribs.

Around the corner from Jenny and P's there is a sign in a flower bed: Cut our flowers, and we'll cut your dick off.

Vancouver.

things about other things and stuff

Sometimes when you see a man from far away and he's wearing a fanny pack, it looks like he has a speedo over top of his pants. It's like britney spears in that slave video, but kind of funnier.
It's amusing.
Tomorrow we are heading to the woods for a woodland adventure. I have face paints for the occasion.
Tonight is my last night at bernburgerstr. 35. weird.
I am lazy in the packing and cleaning department. I am better at somethings when there is pressure and deadlines. How can I possibly clean when the sun is shining and there's coffee to drink and youtube.com?
I officially have one week left on this european jaunt...providing i get it together enough to catch the planes.
I'm ready for it.
These last few days are fun, and i'm doing that thing where you're all like, this will be the last time i stutter that non-german-german word. or the last time i see this h and m or that h and m. I haven't been here long enough to feel nostalgia, but I am feeling like i'm just starting to get to know people on that friendly level where i wish we had met in january.
on the other hand...
i am happy to be seeing friends and family. i plan on spending a week at my parents house, pestering them to bits, and trying to swim in the ocean by their house.

on monday we had a real adventure. ben too loads of photos, but it doesn't do it justice. we went to this old abandoned sanitarium/hospital/barracks/morgue. i was trying to figure out how to describe it, but it's hard. It was dank and dirty and I'm sure there were loads of ghosts. it was also beautiful and still and mysterious. One of those days you'll always remember and try to talk about, but that won't translate to anything other than really experiencing it.
so i'm not going to try.
i'm not going to tell you where it is either. it's secret.

berlin is so different in the summer.
sometimes it really doesn't feel like a big city at all.

i am excited also to see london for a coupla days. i wanna see primark and the peter pan statue in hyde park. mostly i wanna walk around and see things, and know where i am.
sometimes i forget what a privilege it is to be here.
i can curse german cell phone plans all i want, but what a luxury it is if that's something that i can complain about.
it's kind of amazing when i think about it.

bird brains

One more shift left at Ron's.
I am happy to not have to make pizza anymore...unless I want to.
Once again the near future is in fog, but distance is clear.
I would rather have it this way. The near future figures itself out faster than the distance.
My bike, my flying pigeon, has turned out to be a piece of junk. I guess that's what you get for naming a bike after a pigeon...coulda guessed. I am sure that some of the disrepair is due my own neglect, and three months in the rain with nary a tune-up. I prefer to just blame the bike. Life is easier when you transfer blame onto inanimate objects.
To add to the general awesomeness of the bike, I have gone ahead and fixed both pedals with white duct tape. Like a true Canadian. Class all the way.
So as time here is finishing itself, I find that I am happy to be going back.
I am anticipating the usual going-back feelings.
I am looking forward to comfortable friends and casual conversations that aren't about pizza or art galleries.
I am looking forward to the sunsetting on the mountains.

There is much to miss about Berlin as well.

A couple of days ago Ben and I went to some lake in the suburbs. I forget what it's called and I'm too lazy to look it up. It's like, about 12K and lovely with people running and dog-walking. It reminded me a little of Westwood lake...only a bit less rustic. Half way around the lake is a beer garden. Of course we stopped. The little birds were so aggressive that they started eating right out of our hands. So cute. One little guy even sat on my fingers for a few seconds. Just like Cinderella.

Rob and Sasha are in town now. Having fun. Nice people. Everybody loves these guys, so it's pleasure to see their faces in my kitchen.

I am tired...a little.

heyheywaitaminute.

I'm confused.
I have a work hangover from not hydrating while over the ovens.
The apartment is shaking.
The vibe is all wrong.
I am having a hard time shaking feelings of resentment and jealousy and bitterness.
My feet ache a little.
My brain is clouded over.
Optimism is waning.
One more week of pizza, and then into the world of the unknown.
It's hard to say what you mean and mean what you say.
I wish we spoke in simpler words.
Too much time is spent reading between the lines.
Mostly, I want two and two put together for me.
Self Manufactured Blindness.
Berlin.
My application for clarity is in the post.

On a different note, the girls are here!
It's fun. I think Ben is a bit overwhelmed by the amount of women in his house. Lucky man.
Life is kind of like chili-maple syrup. Mostly sweet with a little sting of heat. Not an unpleasant thing...most of the times.


*If this sounds like self-pity, it's probably because it is.

roots and wings and fairy snow

In the Emily books by L.M. Montgomery, Emily experiences what she calls the flash. A quick lifting of the veil into the other realm.
I think I had that on the way to work this morning.
There is a spot along the canal, my favorite place on my way to work. Sometimes I stop and sit on this perfect stump and let the sun brown my nose (and the tops of my feet). Across the canal there is a restaurant right on the water. It looks like something out of a storybook. This morning the sun was shining so it hit the fluff from the trees sifting slowly to the water, like golden fairy snow. A man on the path had stopped and was just staring at the perfect loveliness (and it was perfect loveliness). I stopped too, but only for a moment. Long enough for the flash.
Berlin has been a buzz and flutter with the Karneval der Kulturen this weekend. All the good parts of the Stampede, parade of lost souls, and a renaisance fair. Exciting food, people on stilts, the coolest playground ever, and cheap rum drinks.
Awesome.
Sara and Bobs were here for a while. It was nice to have them here. Very nice indeed. We did a little exploring through Potsdam palaces, drank a lot of coffee, had meaningful talks, drank some wine (forced on us by Ole), you know, Berlin stuff. We got a little cranky sometimes, but that's life (sisters). It was busy and fun.
In two days the girls from Northern Ireland are coming with their charming accents and funtime vibes. I haven't seen these gals in centuries so I am pretty thrilled.
I think I'm (kind of) sure that I'll (probably) be back in EastVan on the 6th of June. Probably.
My big ideas are not able to take root here. I want to take 'em out of seedling stage.
I was thinking the other day about the mystery of roots and wings. You know, the desire for both adventure and homefires, how these things don't often work well together. Roots and wings. I was thinking how wings can't have roots, and roots can't have wings...but sometimes, every once in a while, seed have wings.
I don't know what this means exactly.
I'm not a metaphor person.
(I prefer similes).

shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yo shimmy yay

It's been a long week. Full of head aches and annoyances and anxieties. I haven't been the biggest fan of Germany this week. We all have these weeks. We all have emotional reactions.
Mine happened tonight as I was watching the last episode of Skins. Big baby tears. Sometimes it's nice to cry at nothing when the little somethings pile up.
Now I'm all snotty.
It's funny how we react to spring the same way every year. Four days of sun and everything bursts into color. It surprises me every spring.
My feet have returned to their normal color. Tanned, but just on top. Brown feet white legs, that's me.
I've been spending times in different neighborhoods. Mild exploring into the west where the money and fancy cars are. The areas I usually see are full of young people, turkish people, and tourists. West Berlin seems all white with a lot of old people (in comparison) It seems more solid, and less likely to change. It's nice to see new neighborhoods. It's nice to actually be in a a neighborhood. Anhalter/Potsdamer Platz, is not neighborhoody. However, it is nice to be so close to the big park. We spent all day in there yesterday, lying on the grass and picnicking. Could hardly tell we were in the middle of Berlin.

A List of Good Stuff:
-Nutella
-Skins
-The way the path along the canal smells all sweet and warm and peppery from the kernels fallen from the poplar buds.
-Blossoms.
-5 Euro Rayban Wayfarer knock-offs at the C&A. (the german Primark)
-Travel Scrabble
-My bosses at Ron Telesky's
-This new white tea and pear flavoured drink.
-Letters in my mailbox
-Finding ways to fill a day on the least amount of money possible. ("You, me and five bucks")

I'm tired...

I go to rome every twice in a while.

Rome revisited was good. The Trevi Fountain works.
I did more things this time around. Put a lot of miles on my cheap American shoes.
I met my sister and her husband on the Spanish Steps. A very romantic place to arrange a meeting. They took lots of pictures of me and I felt embarrassed.
We saw a whole bunch of old junk...including the Pope. The pope was far away and very tiny. John took a nice paparazzi type shot of him.
The Vatican and the Cathedral and the Sistine Chapel were disappointments. Cool, but not very Holy or Sacred at all. The Sistine Chapel was crowded and noisy and you couldn't really enjoy it for what it was. I find sacredness in humbler places. Like in this tiny, ornate crypt at the graveyard.
I guess I don't understand the world of popes, etc.
I put my hand in the mouth of truth, and nothing happened...so I guess that goes to show what bunk that's about. But I really liked the chapel of the church where the mouth of truth is. It's rustic and small and kind of mis-matched and old. They have real candles there instead of flickering LED lights. Not that I know much about lighting candles either. It seemed more real than St. Peters, and the guy that worked there seemed just like a normal man, and didn't have to wear any unusual collars.
There was a lot of piazza sitting and coffee drinking. Good talks and some jokes.
My friends who are living there at the moment are lovely and warm and funny. I learn a lot from both of them.
Benny had his thesis show up. It was great. I liked it. He does some cool things. His paintings make me like him more. I don't like to gush about people's work, really. I don't know if much is accomplished by gushing. I could be wrong about that, I have certainly spent plenty of time gushing...
...i need to think about that some more before I have a final stance on gushing.
I just know that I felt weird when Aunt Kitty gushed over me. Maybe I have become uncomfortable with it.
On friday night we sat in the cold to see a band, it ended up being a MLK Jr. memorial. Initially, it was kind of boring, but then the band played. The Orchestra de something-something. Lots of people from lots of countries. It was kind of hippy-mom music, but so good. People got into it. We packed snacks.
I went back to the place that had the delightful cappuccino last time, but it wasn't as good this time around. Still better than what you find most places, but not perfect. I was much busier.
I have come to dislike tour groups (very much).
I sat next to a nun on the trip back to Berlin. I wondered if she ever missed snuggling. God isn't much of a cuddler, you know?
I gave some Greeks bad instructions on how to get to their hotel.
Chad has left us. Now it's just me and ben...for two days until the parade of visitors start.
I am NOT going o NYC. I am miserable about this...but it was a luxury, and a girl can't ask the cosmos for too much.
The marathon is running right outside my apartment as I type. Drums all morning.